Thankful

"Nothing worth having comes easy"

The semester 2.1 has came to an end, and the results have been released. Definitely there will be people who are happy with theirs and some that are sceptical. To be honest, i wasn't happy with my grades but i wasn't upset about it too. Well i kinda expected myself to do pretty well with the efforts and SLEEPLESS nights, but if i were to do it again, i think i could have put in a little bit more effort, to get better grades. Well, though i really wanna blabber and rant about all the regrets i have made, these aren't the main point of this blog post.

Let's get to topic NOW.

To be honest, i felt really lucky and honored this semester. I mean i wouldn't have gotten such grades with the amount of mistakes i have done. Thinking about it, my lab reports are really "CRAP". Well Mr Allen Liew was right, i didn't understand a single lab that i have done throughout my REE, HMT and FPM, and all i did was bullshitting my way through. Well, i know my own character and i am the type of person who prefers quality over quantity. However, my reports for the sem was legit-ly otherwise.
So i really cant believe that my grades arent affected, and i cant be grateful enough to have receive such blessings.

Moving on, I believed Mr Zul had helped me the most this sem. I used to hate him so much previously that i cursed when i knew he was gonna be my lecturer for a 4 credit module. And whats more, i was so confirmed that i was gonna fail so badly and my gpa's gonna drop like grapes. Thankfully, i was wrong.
I guess it's a blessing in disguise because if it wasnt for the hate-ness i had in him, i wouldnt have started asking him "crappy questions". 

--- A little story time ---

I started off being a really rude kid, kinda.... really really rude. Like i would ask stupid questions such as 'what's a manometer', 'what's pressure', 'can you show me how you calculate again?' And when i realized that he actually answers them, i was taken a step back with my own actions. I mean well, he wasnt really happy with me at first, and always tell the whole lecture room how i "tekan" him with questions during tutorials, but it turned out better when i realized how much i have taken advantage of him.

I changed my attitude towards him, and he became even more helpful than he was, he cleared all my doubts and corrected all my misunderstandings (towards him, and towards the module.) Words cant express how thankful i am to him, and not only did he taught me with a gold heart, he was kind enough to offer me to many other opportunities, like being a tutor, and made me think out of the box. Which is why im really damn grateful to have had him guiding me.

Well, this may came a little shocking, but ZHENG PING helped me out ALOT too. Well, i wasnt jealous about his results, but kinda more to envious. Like how can someone with so much external activities and events, and ccas still do so well in his studies? He sleeps in class, play games and he's just a damn piece of shit ( sorry but ya). So this sem he actually really helped me so much, that i really didnt expect him to be such a person. Even with his busy schedules, he still forks out time to study with me every Thursday, and no matter how tired he is, he will still stay with me till 10/11pm just because i dont wanna go home to study. And though i am really angst-y towards you all the time, i'm really thankful that you were so kind!!! Not only did he calmed me down when i was nervous all the time, he gave me many many tips to memorize theory ( everyone who knows me knows how much i H.A.T.E theory, because i always cannot remember them T.T). But he managed to help me sooooo much, that my grades were decent enough. So thanks broski, you're the (w/ the e) best. <3 <3 <3

*Tag LIM ZHENG PING, i stayed up all night typing this from the bottom of my heart, READ IT*

Though i have already thank you in PM, but i want the whole world of people to know how blessed i have you to back me up, so i boast abit here okk?

Not done!!! Math teacher Miss Lim 

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH). 

Frankly, this is the first time i have put in so much "last min work" for math. I thought my math was really good, until my results showed otherwise. No doubt if there was a most 'wanted-to-block-on-WA' student award, i would have get it from her willingly. I text her math questions daily, hourly, minute-ly and second-ly.

Every second, i will send her a question,
then my solution,
then the answer key solution,
then my other solutions again.
*And these actions repeated for a week/more*

And as a really kind teacher, she checked through all my workings and typed out the misunderstandings/ mistakes i have made. I mean which teacher does this?!?! And whatsmore, she cared that i wasnt sleeping at 1 am (WHOT).

Thank you soooo much Miss Lim!!!

Yes yes.... coming to an end soon. Okay this may come really surprising to you, LY but thank you for following me through my exam period. Honestly speaking before i met you, i really lost all motivations to even try working hard. I watched YouTube everyday, and i was kinda corky that i would do well even without studying, all i think of was how i should spent my holiday, and how i should find a boyfriend to make my life more fulfilling. 

But luckily you came!!! I didn't say this because i like you alot, but you really did gave me the extra boost to study hard. Everyday when i receive "zao an" or "jia you" or "study hard" from you, my motivation level will rise to tip top up there, and it really made studying so much happier and easier for me (well at least i was smiling to myself all the time). And and i guess i wanted to fit up with your standards you have back in JC and didnt wanted to look like i cant study, only like to play, so yep i studied, hard.

Remember the day you went library with me???? Though i was really really REALLY damn tired, but im really very glad you stayed, even though you could have went home to sleep, to dota or to play pokemon go.
Whats more, i wasn't even someone you have known for edges/anyone important to you, so this little acts meant ALOT to me <3.

And so you asked, "Ryann why do you like me?"

Here you have it my dear, I didn't like you because you had muscles, abs, crew cut hair, tiny eyes, perfect teeth, thick lips, dresses nicely, use pick up lines on me, tell me i'm good-looking... and the list goes on,

But i liked you for who you are, for always being at my saddest, weakest and happiest. Though i really have no idea if we will ever get together, but all i wanna let you know that, meeting you, was the best part of my 18. And knowing you, is a true blessing. Thank you for making me feel so special, and for being such a special YOU.
ILY ❤

That's all for this sem, may semester 2.2 be as blissful as this, or even better.

Signing off with love,
Ryann Tan <3

Days like this

Days like this, I wished I had worked a little harder.

Days like this, I wished I had listened a little clearer.

Days like this, I wished I had asked a little deeper.

Days like this, I wish I can be a little wiser...

Why didn't you pick up that book and read it once again?

Why didn't you pursue on the math question you gave up?

Why didn't you have the courage to clarify your doubts?

Well i guess there's no one else to blame, but myself for not being wise enough, for not working hard enough, for... giving up easily.

To be very honest, I have always been struggling with education. Look, who doesn't want to do well in their studies? Get some good ass scholarship and have a prosper career path ahead of them? I have always looked up to people that could do well in both their studies as well as other prospects in their life. Then? Dwell on it and believe that i have no luck for such fortune. But Why? Why haven't I think of turning this "look up" into a motivation? 

I remember telling my parents that I won't want to further my studies after my tertiary education, and thinking back, I hate myself for having such a mindset. I mean, why would i ever think of giving up even before I try? Yes i know being practical is one thing, but why not you try working even harder to pull up your grades? Why not you study a little more than others to do even better? Why not you love what you're doing, and give it a little more effort? And maybe, just maybe.... things will get better, and maybe something interesting would work out?

Well thousand and one uncertainties... but I'm sure this time, I'm ready to put in my best. I'm ready to work my sh*ts together, and definitely ready face this challenge. Prayers to the future success, we shall see it in 2018.

-Ryann Tan

Finding myself

Recently... i felt that I'm nolonger myself. I dont really know what's wrong with me, but i certainly know that this isn't the real me.
Everything, and i mean even the slightest things seem to annoy me so much, to a point, they get me ponding over little matters for days. Emotions have been building up in me, leading to this blog post. I dont really know how to phrase this mixed feelings, but i guess... a place to splender out my thoughts would make me feel better?

I filled my holiday up with many events, job schedules, meet ups, schools to keep myslef busy. 

Everyday, i wake up to the same routines, same faces. It came to a point where im so tired to even function and all i need is a break.

Initially, i wanted to keep myself occupied, so that this would be a fullfilled holiday. Little did it know, "a busy life is a wasted life" indeed is a fact. I didnt knew what i was doing most of the time and all i wanted, was the day to end as soon as possible.
I became easily upset and i was really affected by every comments made. Everything seems to annoy me and i just wanted to disclose myself from all humans. No one seems to understand how i feel because they just thinks that im PMS-ing and having too much thoughts. I thought i was too, and i hope it's only just the time of the month. I kinda affected the people around me... which i felt really bad, but i cant help it but to feel angry and annoyed at things that dont turn out my way, and i know it's just me.

Im just gonna be honest here, but i really hate how im always trying so hard for everything, for everyone that is not worth. Constantly thinking about how others will feel, maintaining a good personal relation, always putting a 'smiley mask' on myself, and trying to be sociable with everyone. Im really tired of all these 'social skills', these never ending dramas and this hetic life i'm in. 

I hate sharing with others, i hate caring for them, i hate puting a smile on my face, I hate apologizing even though i'm not the one at fault, i hate being seen inferior and i hate everything that i try doing, to make myself feel accepted to the society. 

I guess im just really weak. Thowing tantrum on social medias, crying under the blankets, but not doing anything to change the situation.

People who cared asked if i was okay but i just couldnt tell them how, because honestly, i dont know too. 

Im just really empty inside...

A little step at a time

“从哪里跌倒，就从哪里爬起” 

It's pretty unusual to start a blog post with Chinese, but this phrase have been triggering my thoughts about a huge leap i have done recently. To explain the phrase a little, it means to stand up from where you fall.
Standing up after a huge fall is always the most embarrassing, suck-ish feeling ever. We have always been so obsessed with moving forward, never turning back and finding new goals. But many a times, we are just timid cowards that dare not face our fears; Fears of getting mocked at, fears of being the "topic of gossip".
No doubt, I am one of those people too, always finding ways to drift away from the unhappiness, thinking that things will be fine as time passes. I mean yes, leaving the matter and moving on works, but what if it's a passion? a dream?
Revolving my life around dance, i have surrendered myself to revel in the presence of music and movements for the past 10 years. This fall took me awhile to get back up on my feet, but i'm glad i tried. And i'm proud to have persevered on. I'm still working on getting things back to track, not just being the old Ryann Tan, but a dancer that is much more grounded and stronger. A little at a time, I'm sure i'll never let this dream fly.

Love,
Ryann

Mommy♡

Dear mom,
Happy mother's day. On this very special day, i wanna thank you for everything, and also apologise for not being a great daughter....
I have to admit that it's only recently where i realised how much i have taken granted of you. Always comparing the love you gave me to others, and never actually appreciated the littest and greatest things you have done for me. Thank you for putting in so much these 18 years, just to grow me into who i am today.

Ryann, lets be real honest here...
Thinking back, it's always when friends are not there for me, then i think of talking to you. It's only when i did something bad, where i head to you for someone to cover up. It's only when i have not enough cash, then i think of asking from you. And frankly, i haven't realise how selfish i am to always thinking about myself and others before you... ( I'm very sorry mom :'( )

However, you have never ever failed to be there for me. <3
Ever since i was a little girl, friendship, education and love lucks have never been in my favour. No doubt, people have came up to me uptheenth times telling me how suckish my attitude is. But it's you, mom who has never fail to walk me through all the thicks and thins. Always backing me up, and guiding me.

I can never imagine a life without you. Who can i go to when im sad, angry, upset, hurt, happy? Who should i talk to when im in need, when all i need is a shot in the arm?

Im really grateful for having you because despite me being such a child you're still the ONE who stayed by me.

Thank you mom, thank you for always being my one and only sister, my guardian angel, my 24/7 personal nurse, my cheerleader, my bullet proof armer, my leaning shoulder, my best sleeping buddy, my best hugging buddy, my best pen pal, and my best-est friend. Thank you for not only acting as a mom in my life, but also so many other major roles, that no one else can replace. Thank you for everything.

Thank you for waiting, waiting for your little selfish girl to realise how much you really mean to her. For waiting for her to treat you a little better, and understanding you a little deeper. Thank you, for showing me that I'm not late to realise how important you are to me, because from today, i'll change. Believe me mom, i'll prove it, for you are the only person i will die for. <3

Once again, Happy Mothers Day♡♡

Love,
Your little girl ❤

Blessed x thankful

"The secret of happiness is low expectations."- Barry Schwartz

Wow... i really have no idea where i should start from.

All i can think of is how blessed i am this April.

We have always been so obsessed with "ideal" birthday celebrations - pretty cakes, gorgeous decorations, fluffy-floral-y dresses and many many helium balloons. However, we didn't give enough credits to the people who made it beautiful - family meals, heart-felt wishes, scheduled meet ups and mini surprises.

This 18th, i was utterly pampered by every close family and friends around me. From sumptuous family dinners, to surprises one after another, to cakes, to more family companies, to birthday gifts, heart-felt messages, cards.... and the list goes on and on.

I'm really grateful for everything. Which leads me to think;

What actually means most to me? 

and i came to realize, its not about the flowers, gifts, balloons, but the company around, and a true blessing. 

Words cant describe how thankful i am to have friends that travel all the way down to my block just to give me a pleasant surprise, taking the time to text me on the dot, and typing out dedications. I'm really very blessed to receive so much this month. 

Not forgetting my parents, close friends - Jia Wen, Noorul, Diana Tock, SzePing, MRT gang that have spent so much effort and money in surprising me. 

Honestly, I was really shocked and stunned every moment. Sorry for not reacting fast enough, because i didn't expect anything coming.

And i was even stupid enough to think that the waitress coming towards me with the cake, wasn't for me. 

But how ever stupid reactions I had, I wanna thank every single one who have made my 18 so special. Yes indeed i didn't have a big birthday celebration, neither do i have 18 helium balloons hanging before my face, but i have had people around me whom i truly know i can lean on whenever i need a shoulder.

Well a new phase in life, i guess we just have to say goodbye to the ever childish Ryann Tan, it's time to grow up my dear. 

Love,

18 y/o, Ryann Tan

The dancer that walked away

Few days back, I came across an article to the dancer that walked away... while reading it, tears unknowingly rolled down my checks, and I couldn't believe how relatable the post could be. Which leads me to think back on how it even triggered me to leave something that was so close to me.

It wasn't an easy decision, neither was it a proud experience. Never in my life would I think of having to leave you, but I believe it's all destined. Dear dance, thank you for the amazing memories, for showing me how 10 minutes can be can be a life changing moment, and for teaching me the importance of lifting up my chin, to face the world. I truly hated to part ways with you...

So.. this was how it all begain.

It was definitly a humble and eye opening experience to be able to work with Singapore's famous director cum choreographer in the dance industry. Many waited years for this chance, but I was utterly honored to be able to work under him, despite knowing my standards. Shamelessly I went for his audition because he was looking for a handful of lead dancers.

When the audition begin, I could feel that I wasn't the kind of dancer he was looking for, and he didn't seem to be fond by my dance abilities. Indeed the results didn't state otherwise because I wasn't the few chosen as the lead. Maybe I haven't had the chance to show him my emotions, or maybe we just can't click, but the one thing I knew, was that I was devastated.

People told me that elimination is part and parcel of life, especially as a dancer. But it hurts... It hurts to the extend that I don't even want to be in his production, and it came to a point where doubting my abilities became a norm, so I begain to wonder if it's better for me to give up this rare opportunity.

After weeks of tears, I told myself that things will still be the same if I'm not going to do anything about it, and to him it will only be the right choice for not picking me. So I stood up and gave in 150% of my effort and skills in every of his dance practices. Just to prove him wrong for not picking me. No doubt life is full of shit and only fairytale shows miracles.

Things did not change for the better. Instead I was even placed at positions where only me, myself and I can see. If you don't get me, I'm always at the position either behind someone or at the corner of the stage. I convinced myself to accept it and deal with it, since I have came so far.
Dance practice became a chore to attend to and the period was fucking shag.

Dance schedules became even more hetic and unreasonable as he requested for more hours when the production date nears. It was 2pm-10pm, literally EVERYDAY. As dancers we were also expected to skip lectures and tutorials just to attend those practices. Obviously I can't see myself skipping lessons just to be placed at the end of the stage. Moreover exams and tests were around the corner, thus I prioritized studies than the useless production that I'm in.

No doubt I missed half of the curtain call and I wasn't given any position at all. Curtain call may seem nothing much, but to every dancer curtain call is something really important in a production or at least it's something I feel really important. So since I know that I won't have the chance to bow to my audience, what's more left for me to stay in the production yeah?

Enough of the background, let's continue with the story.

It was a fine Saturday when I woke up in anxiety, rushed through washing up, and hopped onto dad's car as he drove me to school. Along the way, I wished that time would show some mercy, but honestly, time waits for no man. It wasn't any ordinary dance practice, but instead a mass one. As i pushed open the door, everyone stared at me silently. I was embarrassed. I briskly walked into the hall and got ready to join the team. Little did I know, I was called out to the front, and was told to hold in a plank position. I was shocked, but i did it anyways knowing that I was at fault for not being responsible for punctuality.

The rest of the dancers begain their mass warm up as I remained in plank. I remember holding there for a good 3 minutes, thinking if I should really quit the production and the reasons for me to stay. After organizing my thoughts, I picked up my confidence and walked towards him.
"I wished to drop out of the production." As I spoke in a firmed and determined manner.
He looked at me and told me to be his guest, if my teachers allowed. I picked up my bag and walked out of the dance hall, to speak to my teachers. After hearing my side of the story, my teacher agreed with my decisions and we parted ways.

As I thought that things will be back to normal after the production, I receive a message a few days later,
"Ryann, because you dropped out of the musical at the very last minute with reasons that are ridiculous and close-minded, we have decided to remove you from Danz Inc. This is not the kind of attitude that we expect and want from our dancers. However, if you really want to stay in Danz Inc., and is willing to change your attitude and behaviour, you must give a good explanation to nic and us for your irresponsible behaviour and actions."
Well things started to get a little tensed here. I called up my instructor, egear to know the main reason behind why he decided to kick me out of the club. Indeed, it was a misunderstanding. Not sure if it was the committee or he didn't get his facts right, I was deeply misunderstood for my actions. Gladly after clearing the air, I was told to be back into the club. And so things started to get back to its original state.

A few weeks have past and I start to realize a huge difference from how my instructor usually treats me. I mean he used to push my spilts, stares at me until I get my position right but, he never does that ever again. He never looked at me when I perform anymore and I felt really sad at the point of time.

Then it was time where they decide on the new batch of committee members, I guess because if this black mark, I wasn't given any role in the club. I mean yes, I know that backing out a production is my fault, but since you wanted me back into the club, why do you have to bring forward an outside matter, upon apologizing that it was a misunderstanding towards me? Well to be honest, I was really upset I wasn't given any role, like I mean, even the most slightest role in the club would actually mean something to me.

Yeah, I started to leave myself out of the closest group of friends I had in dance because all of them had a position, and it's not any other 'Sai Gang' job, but they picked up really important roles to the club. Well, to be honest, I felt really shameful and inferior being with them. So I decided to hang out alone, and basically be anti-social.

One day in dance practice I was undisputedly hurt by the statements made by my instructor.
While we were told to show him a part of the dance we just learn 10 minutes ago, he yelled my name after the showcase and said in front of everyone "Actually Ryann I rather watch someone else dance than you. Although you have the techniques, it is nothing compared to having performance quality."
But in fact, I was purely memorizing my steps, that's why I wasn't focusing on my expressions. Although I knew he misunderstood me again, I didn't want to fight back because I respected him, and i knew that it was true that my expression wasn't stage-ready. It was already bad enough, until he indirected this to me "I feel that some people no longer have their heart here in the club. Shouldnt the club be a place where dance makes you happy?"

Well after all these words, I sat down to ask myself if I should really stay in the club to be mocked at, and ultimately I realized, this is not the club I'm looking for. Yes I'm definitely thankful for all the experiences, advices but I guess we aren't fated for this relationship.

And this was when I decided that it's time for me to say goodbye, and find somewhere more suitable.

Maybe, just maybe....

It's another ordinary saturday. Or... maybe its one that we decided to start the conversation on. I didnt wanted it to make it seem as though i'm trying to sour the relationship or make it a tough position for you. Instead, I just wanted to voice out my thoughts...

Its hearten to know that someone cares whenever i'm down, but you never understood my point of view. To you, i'm just a selfish, self centered person that cares only for myself. Sometimes i wonder why do you even bother asking if i'm okay? Maybe it all lies back to the living environment i grew up in. Being the youngest in the family, siblings love, parents love, pemperings like a princess have always been a norm. To the extend i guess it has changed me into a whole new person.

I didnt only realise this recently, but everytime when i'm out with my friends, the very first thing they think of are their siblings. Whether they like it, or if the item suits them. But... on the other hand, i'm always the one looking for things that i like, and consistantly thinking about myself.

I've tried to change, telling myself to prioritize you than anything else, but things just never turn out the way it's planned to be. In turn i get comments like
"why cant you think more about your family?"
"why cant you be like her to love your siblings more?"
"why cant you be like her to be a responsible child?"
And this was where emotions start to kick in.

Recently, someone important to my brother came into our life, dont get me wrong, she's really a nice person, but things started to seem a little different. I'm no longer the center of attention in family days, the amount of love i feel from you and everyone else is so much lesser. So i start to question myself, and came to realise that ultimately, these love that i used to have are shared with someone even more special than i am... Whenever i try to hint about my feelings, i dont get the genuine care i used to have, but instead, a scold for ruining a "happy" family day out. And even if i successfully voice out my thoughts, you try to talk your way through to make it seem as though things have never change. In fact, have you ever stand in my point of view?
Yes i know that its important to make someone feel welcomed and loved in a new environment, a new family. But dont you think you are doing a little too much? To the extend you negleted your little girl?

I guess its where words are vague, that you didnt really get my point. But i really want you to know things have changed so much. There's really nothing i can do to show you how much i miss the warmth, care and love i used to have, because all you care about, is whether she felt welcomed in this family. 

Love,
Ryann

Journey of 2015

----------Page 365 out of 365----------

Dear 2015, it's finally coming to the end our journey together. A year filled with joys, laughter, fears, curiosities, tears, and angers. 2015 was very very very different, and indeed things turned out pretty much unexpectedly. Looking back at all the major and minor changes, i can definitely say, 2015, you've made me grown. Well, in a good and bad way.

Let's do a little flashback...

Yep you see it coming, so at the start of 2015, i thought it would be really cool to have my ears pierced, because i have always wanted one, and my parents disagrees. So without their consent, i went ahead. (HAHAHA) I guess i was really bad, and i wont deny that i was at fault! 

I remembered clearly that it was 20 June when i decided to do my helix. I wasn't afraid because being me, i didn't read up anything about it's side effect. In fact i was legitly more afraid that my parents would find out. So basically, it was a Saturday, and there was a school event later in the afternoon, so in the morning i met up with my friend, Noorul, to study in school. And yes, we didn't study at ALL, we ended up talking about life.(HAHA) and so, we decided that since it's not productive, why not we head to AMK hub to shop? So yep, we headed to the mall. While we were shopping aimlessly, i saw a piercing shop 'Street 77'. The urge for me to pierce got OVERBOARD and so i went in after walking past it trice. Then I did it. Both Noorul and I was so shock because it seemed so surreal. 

And so here is me with my freshly pierced Helix! 

Thinking that piercings aren't enough, i even went ahead to dye my hair, but this time, my mom agreed-ed with pink hair, and she even supports (Like what even yeah?) But yep, my daddy didn't liked it at first because he said i'm starting to turn into an Ah Lian, with my piercings. But its really nice though, and i kinda regret dyeing back to brown after it faded awhile later :(

Again, thinking that having helix is not enough to cover my "craves" i went to pierce a few months later, this time, i did it with reasons, but mom says i was ridiculous and so, i wont be stating it (HAHA), but here's a photo my piercings. I took it out a month later because i was really afraid something bad would happen. Which links me to why my parents disagree piercings. So a few years back, probably 2012, we went on a family trip to China. As we walked into a semi jewelry shop, i begged my mom to buy me a pair of earrings, and allow me to pierce when we are back in SG. No doubt she didn't agree to it, and here comes this lady who claims that she is a legit fortuneteller. She walked towards us and told me that i should not pierce my ears until i'm married, or i'll be breaking all the "luck" that i have. I didn't really believed her, but my parents did. So ever since, i never get a singe chance to talk to them about poking a hole in my ears. Well, so you might wonder why did i remove my earrings at the end yeah? Because it was seemed that my ear tissue was a little weak, which caused the metal thing that holds the earring to go into my ear hold. (like if you get it) Hence, i was really afraid that maybe it's a sign. Thus i took it out HAHAH, Yep a little too much info, but this is the story.

Okay, back to the summary of 2015,

It all started with a new environment, new friends, new experiences, and new dance classes. Being a typical Taurus, i hate changes, but yet i was excited to know what's coming up for me in my life journey. So i hoped for the best and took a leap of faith to carry on the story. Little did i know, this change is MAJOR. Things did not turn out as expected. But well, moving from a place that you are comfortable with to an entirely new environment will definitely be a challenge to anyone. But I'm glad. I'm grateful enough to have met great people in my life. They taught me things that i have never encountered, taught me to be strong. Things went pretty smooth and legit, until I've met people who hurt me like a bitch (but oh-well, it's life).

*Just a little disclaimer; i love love love my class soooo much. I mean i'll never ask for anything more than this bunch of awesome people, that have led me through my happy and sad days. Times with them are really the best, and we are just a really bonded class that everyone desires #classgoals.

CLG1502 <3

Then, because of these changes, i have had many new experiences. Lets talk about dance. Well... i'm kinda speechless because i'm struggling to give up or to continue. Don't get me wrong, i still love dance as before but.... i guess this genre is just not my cup of tea. No doubt I've learn A LOT but it's just really not up to my liking. However, i met this new instructor that sees potential in me. I guess this is only reason left that keeps me going for dance knowing that someone out there hasn't stop believing in me. So to my dearest dance instructor Mr Nicholas, thank you for always being so nice, pushing me to my limits and understanding me. Giving me plenty of time to adapt, and lastly, encouraging me at my weakest. I'm extremely thankful and lucky to have met you in my life and for this, i'm not giving up so easily. 

And this is what i meant by pushing you to your limits.

Sigh. On a side note, I miss doing contemporary, i miss how we used to joke in MDance classes, and definitely miss having true dance friends. To the MD family, i wish we could dance together all over again.

Memories <3

Well, apart from dance friends, never in my life have i imagined myself to be in 2 productions within a year. Well, it was supposed to be 3, but hmmm that's a different story that i'll mention later.
Definitely, one of the production was under Stephanie Loh, my previous dance instructor. Miss Loh invited me back to her studio's first year anniversary production; Take the first STEP. Which is really an exclusive exposure to me, because i really get to work with different dancers, and have the first hand experiences with different awesome dance instructors!  

Then as i thought that i'm putting a '.' to my dance journey, another production came (hmm more like a musical). Which so, leads me involved in it after a few auditions. We did a Chinese item, and danced as 'coolies', as the theme revolved around our dear SG 50. HAHA it was a pretty amazing experience, so no regrets! And in fact, that was my first ever Chinese dance on stage. So DAEBAK!

COOL yeah?

So for the third production, our dance team got to work with a choreographer that seems to be one of the top few famous directors in S'pore. Things did not go well between me and him, so in the end i dropped out. I'm not gonna dwell into it because i'm lazy to write out the story in a nicer way.

Apart from dance, I've had a chance to become an exco. In the sense that i was the few selected ones to go through an elimination course, that sieves out the real leaders of our school. Oh... wait... I think i did not introduce my school. So... with my O level results, i went to Nanyang Polytechnic School of Chemical and Life Sciences, Chemical and Green Technology. (HAHAHA so technical yeah?) Carrying on with my story, i went ahead to push myself even further, thinking that maybe i could do a little more in poly and show what i've got. But it was proven that i cant make it because i was omitted. :( But it's okay because i still have a chance to be an OGL to lead the next batch of freshies! So i'm pretty excited!!(YAY)

This year, i picked up a new language too. GERMAN(!!!) I really love it but SHIT learning a whole new language is like WHOT(?) But well, it just means that i'm a little closer to working towards immigrating to Germany. *smirks*

Moving on the academics. WHO SAYS POLY SLACKS? WHO SAYS YOU DON'T HAVE TO STUDY IN POLY? WHO SAYS YEAR ONE'S A 'HONEYMOON' YEAR? Hello everything is so GPA-- Grade Point Average based. Like legit, even your attendance affect the chances of you getting 4.0, like what the even. Which have thus proven that POLY LIFE IS NOT EASY. And tbh, my GPA for semester 1 sucked. So it's time to buck up my friend.

All in all, 2015 wasn't an easy year, but there's a saying "a smooth sea never makes a skillful sailor." So through these little experience, I've grown a lot stronger. I've learn to be independent, confident, determine, and to never give up fighting for my dreams.

Just like what I've said in my 2014 post, I thank everyone and anyone who have once came into my life. Be it you stayed or left, YOU made my 2015 journey possible.

Meeting new people wasn't easy, but definitely i enjoyed every moment. Here's some photos of the people i met!

Awesome church mates!!

Dance Friends

Not forgetting the ones the have always been there at my weakest and cheering for my achievements, my daddy and mommy. Thank you for not giving up on your little crazy/stupid/ungrateful daughter Ryann Tan. Thank you for always picking me up when i fall, and walking me through every single milestone. Without the help of you, daddy and mommy, i wouldn't have made it till this day. Thank you for being the best parents that i can ever ask for.

And yes, to the brother that always rub salts to my wound, and always treating his girlfriend better than his sister, thank you for being such a sucker. But still the best brother ever.

Old photo, but this is the best thing he had done in my 17 years of life

To the happy pill that always listens to my rants and problems, thank you for always being there for me. Hanging out with you makes everything on Earth better and i wish we never had separated ways. Thank you for everything that you've done, and for accepting who i am. <3 <3 <3 2016 means a year older to our friendship, and i cant wait for our future experiences with you':)

Old photo again because SHE STILL HATES TAKING PHOTOS WITH ME D:

Last but not the least thank you '吃喝玩乐' although you all always "LOL" at whatever i say which makes me EFFING angry(?!) I still cant believe how fortunate i am to have met you two that never fails to treat me like a legit little sister. I mean is it i have to grow up already(?) Okay jokes aside, to my Zhi Yong Dage, thank you for treating me like a legit legit legit sister, like wtf my legit brothers don't even give a shit about my life. And to the best Diana jie jie, stop calling me a bitch.

This is Zhi Yong Dage

And this is Diana

Wait wait right before i end, i miss you JP korkor. I know you wont be seeing this, neither will you be missing me... but i really miss times with you. I mean ever since i was a little kid, you doted me the most, you played with me the most, and you dominated a really great part of my childhood. I miss how we used to laugh at our own lame jokes, staying up at night during holidays to watch TV shows and ignoring me even when i'm shouting at you because you just wanna watch your show.... I wish you never had moved and that after our helper leave, you will be back.

I MISS YOU JP KORKOR <3<3

Well, this pretty much sums up the chapters of 2015 in my life, very interesting yeah? Opening a new chapter in life, i pray nothing, but the best in 2016.

Before this blog ends, just a little quote to motivate anyone reading this, "Give everything but up."

Love from, 

Ryann <3<3

(aka Princess Tan)

Rejection

Rejection

rɪˈdʒɛkʃ(ə)n/

noun

the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.

"the Union decided last night to recommend rejection of the offer"

synonyms: refusal, non-acceptance, declining, turning down, no, dismissal, spurning,rebuff; More

the action of spurning a person's affections.

"some people are reluctant to try it, because they fear rejection"

and yes, I guess this is me.... I fear rejection, and I hate it. Many told me that rejection is really normal and I should put it down and continue my journey. But.. Each time, these rejections doesn't give me the motivation and courage to work harder. Setbacks are there, meant to make you stronger and fight harder for your dreams, but this isn't the case anymore. It hurts, it makes me fear and doubt my abilities. It takes away all the confidence I once had in me and I doubt this is making me stronger. The passion I once had is gone, the confidence I had in dance is all gone. I thought this would be my turning point in this new environment, but I’m wrong.

I'm still that old me, always losing to other at everything, the old useless individual that fear every setbacks. And I know this sucks. I hate changes. I fear the unknown....

Well, today i got rejected for auditioning the few lead characters in an upcoming musical. Working with that particular choreographer is a damn freaking rare chance and so i wanted to get those position so badly. I guess another main point was that i wanted to be able to proof to everyone else that i so am a good dancer too. But the fact is that no, I’m not. I'm not even near there. And i should stop thinking that I’m actually good.

To a point that I'm ready to give up, telling myself that this dream will never come true. All those are lies, I'm never a good dancer, and never the first choice. In this society, no one sees your hard work, and those that claims to see are just pitying you. They once told me to never die dream. But it's the truth that dreams are ultimately dreams. Some dreams are not meant to come true...

Sigh. I doubt I’ll still have the drive to continue. I think i need a break.

Taiwan!!!

2015 started off pretty well, until results day.. Well, I guess i didnt really do very well for my Os, but who to blame? It's actually cause i didnt really put in that much effort and ya the results showed. However, from the title, today's blog is not really about results, but my Taiwan trip!!! HAHAH YES I KNOW ITS A DAMN OVERDUE POST BUT OMG can't believe it's a dream come true!! My intention of going Taiwan was actually to watch Show Luo (my idol)'s concert that he promised to hold every year at 小句蛋 ( a really grand stage at Taiwan) He did it every year, BUT HE DIDNT THIS YEAR T.T *SOBS* I guess he probably has his reasons. Well, or in other words, NO FATE . (Boo hoo)

But the trip was fun nonetheless!! It was from 2Jan- 11Jan (one day before results day). HAHAHA. We went on a self-trip that my mum planned and THANK YOU MOMMY!!! <3 she really did put in a lot of effort to bring me to all the places i wanted to go, especially SHOW LUO'S shop -- STAGE!

CREDITS MOM <3

<3 <3 <3 STAGE

The designs are very detailed and super prettyyyy!!! BUT i have no money to buy :(

So on the first day, mum brought me to Stage at Xi Men Ding, then we went to 夜市(night market)!! And all the food there is AWESOME, 鸡排, 珍珠奶茶, 臭豆腐, 羊肉串, mee sua, and so many more!!! Just look at it yourself and judge

OH and the meesua is really so different from SG's Tbh, i really hated meesua cause of the first impression. But really its super good TAIWAN FTW!!

Hahah but i found out something cool is that at cold countries, we tend to eat so much ice cream idek why, but its just super shiok!! And probably cause it wont melt so fast so it's cool. 

So the next day, we went to travel around Taiwan (DUH). 

We went from Jiufen

Look at this its like ice cream in savoury??? ITS SUPER CRAZYYYYY

And then to JiLong, Show Luo's hometown!! But because i was feeling super nauseous from the stupid bus ride, i was super cranky and didn't take any photos. So ya, basically we went to another night market to eat. The whole trip is just about eating and eating and eating.

Then we headed to Yeliu to see the Queen's head?? 

and you know i had to do this!! My skills de-proved so damn badly and i really need to get it back!! I couldn't even balance myself SHAME

Then in the later afternoon, we left yeliu and went to Shifen to put 天灯, by the time we reached the lantern place its still quite early, so we wanted to go to a waterfall there, but it was closed, so since we already crossed the bridge, we decided to take some photos at the railway.

CREDITS DADDY!!! <3 

After we reached the place to put the lanterns, its about early evening, so the sky was a little dark and because i was super slow at writing, the sky was darker by that time, so it was pretty nice. However, the person there was DAMN SUPER RUDE and i'm so fucking angry about it. He even shouted at my mum cause my mum turned the lantern the wrong way, cause of direction difference. LIKE WTF YOU CANNOT TALK NICELY UH. SON OF A BITCH =.=. Sorry for the rant, back to topic :)

FAMILY PHOTO!!!

Then after we released the lantern, we went back to Taipei, back to our hotel. Actually no, back to the night market to shop and eat. HAHAHAH.

The very next day, we went out to Mengjia Longshan Temple ( 龙山寺 )

And we went there by the train!!

After we left the temple, we went to Taipei 101!!

I TRIED

The view is awesome!!!

Then after we left taipei 101, we traveled to DanShui! There we went to shop in the night market again and had dinner!

PRETTY RIGHT!!!

At night is even better!!! 

On the very very next day we went to do some exercise, because we ate too much, so we went to climb to see the waterfall at Wu Feng Qi Pu Bu!!

The waterfall was super grand and its really super worth the climb!!

Then we headed to our next hotel, which is called Qi Xing Tan a hotel near the beach! But before that we stopped somewhere that had this patch of flowers to take some photos:))

SO PRETTY RIGHT

Ignore my nails, i thought long nails were cool until i see it myself in those photo and i'm like WHAT

and again...

<3<3<3

FINALLY REACH The beach

At the beach its actually all rocks so its super cool!!

This is the only photo i have of the hotel, but not a front view though

And yes this was my bed!! OH YEAH

So on the next day, we went to Tai Lu Ge and from what I understand and called it, its the construction hole.

Pretty HOR!! cause i have good photography skills

PRETTY THEN SEE MORE OKAY

So since its a construction place its dangerous, so we had to wear the helmet to protect our head that's why i have that yellow thingy on 

And then idk what happened, we took the bus my mum booked to the moutains

AND HERE COMES MANY MANY PRETTY PHOTOS

The white thingy are clouds though!

Stayed in a hotel in Qing Jing, name Star Villa. Didnt take picture of that hotel though, but each hotel room has a specific horoscope so i think it was pretty cool! And they provide star viewing sessions at night too. But i was too lazy so i stayed in the hotel and one more thing is the bed comes with a WARMER so since we're on the mountain, its really damn cold; no joke. so the moment i reach the hotel, i just basically dig into the blanket until it was time to bath.

The very next day, we went to the SHEEP farm and that was when i fell in love with sheep(s) but idk why they kind of hate me so oh well.

IT'S SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE <3 hugs and kisses

MEHHHHHHHHH~

Okay so after the sheeps, we went to another farm, cant remember what farm but a farm

PIGEONS!! I FED THEM THOUGH *smirks*

Cousin's photography skills 

 For dinner, we had steamboat and the shop is really the coolest dining shop I've every been IN MY LIFE because everything is made of cardboard!!!!

STEAM BOATTTTT YUMSSSS

baby chair

normal chair

lightings

BASICALLY THE WHOLE RESTAURANT

A ZEBRA?

AND the menu!!

OKAY TOO EXCITED.

Then the next day, we went down the mountain to Ri Yue Tan where we took the boat

BOATS

Then we walked a bridge after the boat ride

And we saw many golden babies there!!

After that we went back to Tai Zhong and on our way back, we stopped at a train station

Then we headed to a maple tree castle 

BLACK SWAN ODILE <3

枫 BY JAY CHOU <3

That afternoon, we went to pessimum farm and it was damn pretty. At the entrance, i saw little chicks!!

And we saw a really bubbly dog, he stood when when he saw me though *smirks again*

On the last day, WE WENT TO THE ZOO at Taipei

BABE <3

WE SAW TUAN TUAN AND YUAN YUAN

AND KOALA <3333

Then we're back to SG!! overall its a really fulfilling trip and CREDITS to mommy Tan!!! 

before i end, i show you the LOOTS OF MY TRIP

SHOES <3 <3 <3

Okay that's all!!! Thank you for reading and i'll update more SOON

LOVE FROM PRINCESS TAN,

xoxo loves