Thankful

"Nothing worth having comes easy"

The semester 2.1 has came to an end, and the results have been released. Definitely there will be people who are happy with theirs and some that are sceptical. To be honest, i wasn't happy with my grades but i wasn't upset about it too. Well i kinda expected myself to do pretty well with the efforts and SLEEPLESS nights, but if i were to do it again, i think i could have put in a little bit more effort, to get better grades. Well, though i really wanna blabber and rant about all the regrets i have made, these aren't the main point of this blog post.

Let's get to topic NOW.

To be honest, i felt really lucky and honored this semester. I mean i wouldn't have gotten such grades with the amount of mistakes i have done. Thinking about it, my lab reports are really "CRAP". Well Mr Allen Liew was right, i didn't understand a single lab that i have done throughout my REE, HMT and FPM, and all i did was bullshitting my way through. Well, i know my own character and i am the type of person who prefers quality over quantity. However, my reports for the sem was legit-ly otherwise.
So i really cant believe that my grades arent affected, and i cant be grateful enough to have receive such blessings.

Moving on, I believed Mr Zul had helped me the most this sem. I used to hate him so much previously that i cursed when i knew he was gonna be my lecturer for a 4 credit module. And whats more, i was so confirmed that i was gonna fail so badly and my gpa's gonna drop like grapes. Thankfully, i was wrong.
I guess it's a blessing in disguise because if it wasnt for the hate-ness i had in him, i wouldnt have started asking him "crappy questions". 

--- A little story time ---

I started off being a really rude kid, kinda.... really really rude. Like i would ask stupid questions such as 'what's a manometer', 'what's pressure', 'can you show me how you calculate again?' And when i realized that he actually answers them, i was taken a step back with my own actions. I mean well, he wasnt really happy with me at first, and always tell the whole lecture room how i "tekan" him with questions during tutorials, but it turned out better when i realized how much i have taken advantage of him.

I changed my attitude towards him, and he became even more helpful than he was, he cleared all my doubts and corrected all my misunderstandings (towards him, and towards the module.) Words cant express how thankful i am to him, and not only did he taught me with a gold heart, he was kind enough to offer me to many other opportunities, like being a tutor, and made me think out of the box. Which is why im really damn grateful to have had him guiding me.

Well, this may came a little shocking, but ZHENG PING helped me out ALOT too. Well, i wasnt jealous about his results, but kinda more to envious. Like how can someone with so much external activities and events, and ccas still do so well in his studies? He sleeps in class, play games and he's just a damn piece of shit ( sorry but ya). So this sem he actually really helped me so much, that i really didnt expect him to be such a person. Even with his busy schedules, he still forks out time to study with me every Thursday, and no matter how tired he is, he will still stay with me till 10/11pm just because i dont wanna go home to study. And though i am really angst-y towards you all the time, i'm really thankful that you were so kind!!! Not only did he calmed me down when i was nervous all the time, he gave me many many tips to memorize theory ( everyone who knows me knows how much i H.A.T.E theory, because i always cannot remember them T.T). But he managed to help me sooooo much, that my grades were decent enough. So thanks broski, you're the (w/ the e) best. <3 <3 <3

*Tag LIM ZHENG PING, i stayed up all night typing this from the bottom of my heart, READ IT*

Though i have already thank you in PM, but i want the whole world of people to know how blessed i have you to back me up, so i boast abit here okk?

Not done!!! Math teacher Miss Lim 

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH). 

Frankly, this is the first time i have put in so much "last min work" for math. I thought my math was really good, until my results showed otherwise. No doubt if there was a most 'wanted-to-block-on-WA' student award, i would have get it from her willingly. I text her math questions daily, hourly, minute-ly and second-ly.

Every second, i will send her a question,
then my solution,
then the answer key solution,
then my other solutions again.
*And these actions repeated for a week/more*

And as a really kind teacher, she checked through all my workings and typed out the misunderstandings/ mistakes i have made. I mean which teacher does this?!?! And whatsmore, she cared that i wasnt sleeping at 1 am (WHOT).

Thank you soooo much Miss Lim!!!

Yes yes.... coming to an end soon. Okay this may come really surprising to you, LY but thank you for following me through my exam period. Honestly speaking before i met you, i really lost all motivations to even try working hard. I watched YouTube everyday, and i was kinda corky that i would do well even without studying, all i think of was how i should spent my holiday, and how i should find a boyfriend to make my life more fulfilling. 

But luckily you came!!! I didn't say this because i like you alot, but you really did gave me the extra boost to study hard. Everyday when i receive "zao an" or "jia you" or "study hard" from you, my motivation level will rise to tip top up there, and it really made studying so much happier and easier for me (well at least i was smiling to myself all the time). And and i guess i wanted to fit up with your standards you have back in JC and didnt wanted to look like i cant study, only like to play, so yep i studied, hard.

Remember the day you went library with me???? Though i was really really REALLY damn tired, but im really very glad you stayed, even though you could have went home to sleep, to dota or to play pokemon go.
Whats more, i wasn't even someone you have known for edges/anyone important to you, so this little acts meant ALOT to me <3.

And so you asked, "Ryann why do you like me?"

Here you have it my dear, I didn't like you because you had muscles, abs, crew cut hair, tiny eyes, perfect teeth, thick lips, dresses nicely, use pick up lines on me, tell me i'm good-looking... and the list goes on,

But i liked you for who you are, for always being at my saddest, weakest and happiest. Though i really have no idea if we will ever get together, but all i wanna let you know that, meeting you, was the best part of my 18. And knowing you, is a true blessing. Thank you for making me feel so special, and for being such a special YOU.
ILY ❤

That's all for this sem, may semester 2.2 be as blissful as this, or even better.

Signing off with love,
Ryann Tan <3

Days like this

Days like this, I wished I had worked a little harder.

Days like this, I wished I had listened a little clearer.

Days like this, I wished I had asked a little deeper.

Days like this, I wish I can be a little wiser...

Why didn't you pick up that book and read it once again?

Why didn't you pursue on the math question you gave up?

Why didn't you have the courage to clarify your doubts?

Well i guess there's no one else to blame, but myself for not being wise enough, for not working hard enough, for... giving up easily.

To be very honest, I have always been struggling with education. Look, who doesn't want to do well in their studies? Get some good ass scholarship and have a prosper career path ahead of them? I have always looked up to people that could do well in both their studies as well as other prospects in their life. Then? Dwell on it and believe that i have no luck for such fortune. But Why? Why haven't I think of turning this "look up" into a motivation? 

I remember telling my parents that I won't want to further my studies after my tertiary education, and thinking back, I hate myself for having such a mindset. I mean, why would i ever think of giving up even before I try? Yes i know being practical is one thing, but why not you try working even harder to pull up your grades? Why not you study a little more than others to do even better? Why not you love what you're doing, and give it a little more effort? And maybe, just maybe.... things will get better, and maybe something interesting would work out?

Well thousand and one uncertainties... but I'm sure this time, I'm ready to put in my best. I'm ready to work my sh*ts together, and definitely ready face this challenge. Prayers to the future success, we shall see it in 2018.

-Ryann Tan

Finding myself

Recently... i felt that I'm nolonger myself. I dont really know what's wrong with me, but i certainly know that this isn't the real me.
Everything, and i mean even the slightest things seem to annoy me so much, to a point, they get me ponding over little matters for days. Emotions have been building up in me, leading to this blog post. I dont really know how to phrase this mixed feelings, but i guess... a place to splender out my thoughts would make me feel better?

I filled my holiday up with many events, job schedules, meet ups, schools to keep myslef busy. 

Everyday, i wake up to the same routines, same faces. It came to a point where im so tired to even function and all i need is a break.

Initially, i wanted to keep myself occupied, so that this would be a fullfilled holiday. Little did it know, "a busy life is a wasted life" indeed is a fact. I didnt knew what i was doing most of the time and all i wanted, was the day to end as soon as possible.
I became easily upset and i was really affected by every comments made. Everything seems to annoy me and i just wanted to disclose myself from all humans. No one seems to understand how i feel because they just thinks that im PMS-ing and having too much thoughts. I thought i was too, and i hope it's only just the time of the month. I kinda affected the people around me... which i felt really bad, but i cant help it but to feel angry and annoyed at things that dont turn out my way, and i know it's just me.

Im just gonna be honest here, but i really hate how im always trying so hard for everything, for everyone that is not worth. Constantly thinking about how others will feel, maintaining a good personal relation, always putting a 'smiley mask' on myself, and trying to be sociable with everyone. Im really tired of all these 'social skills', these never ending dramas and this hetic life i'm in. 

I hate sharing with others, i hate caring for them, i hate puting a smile on my face, I hate apologizing even though i'm not the one at fault, i hate being seen inferior and i hate everything that i try doing, to make myself feel accepted to the society. 

I guess im just really weak. Thowing tantrum on social medias, crying under the blankets, but not doing anything to change the situation.

People who cared asked if i was okay but i just couldnt tell them how, because honestly, i dont know too. 

Im just really empty inside...

A little step at a time

“从哪里跌倒，就从哪里爬起” 

It's pretty unusual to start a blog post with Chinese, but this phrase have been triggering my thoughts about a huge leap i have done recently. To explain the phrase a little, it means to stand up from where you fall.
Standing up after a huge fall is always the most embarrassing, suck-ish feeling ever. We have always been so obsessed with moving forward, never turning back and finding new goals. But many a times, we are just timid cowards that dare not face our fears; Fears of getting mocked at, fears of being the "topic of gossip".
No doubt, I am one of those people too, always finding ways to drift away from the unhappiness, thinking that things will be fine as time passes. I mean yes, leaving the matter and moving on works, but what if it's a passion? a dream?
Revolving my life around dance, i have surrendered myself to revel in the presence of music and movements for the past 10 years. This fall took me awhile to get back up on my feet, but i'm glad i tried. And i'm proud to have persevered on. I'm still working on getting things back to track, not just being the old Ryann Tan, but a dancer that is much more grounded and stronger. A little at a time, I'm sure i'll never let this dream fly.

Love,
Ryann

Mommy♡

Dear mom,
Happy mother's day. On this very special day, i wanna thank you for everything, and also apologise for not being a great daughter....
I have to admit that it's only recently where i realised how much i have taken granted of you. Always comparing the love you gave me to others, and never actually appreciated the littest and greatest things you have done for me. Thank you for putting in so much these 18 years, just to grow me into who i am today.

Ryann, lets be real honest here...
Thinking back, it's always when friends are not there for me, then i think of talking to you. It's only when i did something bad, where i head to you for someone to cover up. It's only when i have not enough cash, then i think of asking from you. And frankly, i haven't realise how selfish i am to always thinking about myself and others before you... ( I'm very sorry mom :'( )

However, you have never ever failed to be there for me. <3
Ever since i was a little girl, friendship, education and love lucks have never been in my favour. No doubt, people have came up to me uptheenth times telling me how suckish my attitude is. But it's you, mom who has never fail to walk me through all the thicks and thins. Always backing me up, and guiding me.

I can never imagine a life without you. Who can i go to when im sad, angry, upset, hurt, happy? Who should i talk to when im in need, when all i need is a shot in the arm?

Im really grateful for having you because despite me being such a child you're still the ONE who stayed by me.

Thank you mom, thank you for always being my one and only sister, my guardian angel, my 24/7 personal nurse, my cheerleader, my bullet proof armer, my leaning shoulder, my best sleeping buddy, my best hugging buddy, my best pen pal, and my best-est friend. Thank you for not only acting as a mom in my life, but also so many other major roles, that no one else can replace. Thank you for everything.

Thank you for waiting, waiting for your little selfish girl to realise how much you really mean to her. For waiting for her to treat you a little better, and understanding you a little deeper. Thank you, for showing me that I'm not late to realise how important you are to me, because from today, i'll change. Believe me mom, i'll prove it, for you are the only person i will die for. <3

Once again, Happy Mothers Day♡♡

Love,
Your little girl ❤

Blessed x thankful

"The secret of happiness is low expectations."- Barry Schwartz

Wow... i really have no idea where i should start from.

All i can think of is how blessed i am this April.

We have always been so obsessed with "ideal" birthday celebrations - pretty cakes, gorgeous decorations, fluffy-floral-y dresses and many many helium balloons. However, we didn't give enough credits to the people who made it beautiful - family meals, heart-felt wishes, scheduled meet ups and mini surprises.

This 18th, i was utterly pampered by every close family and friends around me. From sumptuous family dinners, to surprises one after another, to cakes, to more family companies, to birthday gifts, heart-felt messages, cards.... and the list goes on and on.

I'm really grateful for everything. Which leads me to think;

What actually means most to me? 

and i came to realize, its not about the flowers, gifts, balloons, but the company around, and a true blessing. 

Words cant describe how thankful i am to have friends that travel all the way down to my block just to give me a pleasant surprise, taking the time to text me on the dot, and typing out dedications. I'm really very blessed to receive so much this month. 

Not forgetting my parents, close friends - Jia Wen, Noorul, Diana Tock, SzePing, MRT gang that have spent so much effort and money in surprising me. 

Honestly, I was really shocked and stunned every moment. Sorry for not reacting fast enough, because i didn't expect anything coming.

And i was even stupid enough to think that the waitress coming towards me with the cake, wasn't for me. 

But how ever stupid reactions I had, I wanna thank every single one who have made my 18 so special. Yes indeed i didn't have a big birthday celebration, neither do i have 18 helium balloons hanging before my face, but i have had people around me whom i truly know i can lean on whenever i need a shoulder.

Well a new phase in life, i guess we just have to say goodbye to the ever childish Ryann Tan, it's time to grow up my dear. 

Love,

18 y/o, Ryann Tan

The dancer that walked away

Few days back, I came across an article to the dancer that walked away... while reading it, tears unknowingly rolled down my checks, and I couldn't believe how relatable the post could be. Which leads me to think back on how it even triggered me to leave something that was so close to me.

It wasn't an easy decision, neither was it a proud experience. Never in my life would I think of having to leave you, but I believe it's all destined. Dear dance, thank you for the amazing memories, for showing me how 10 minutes can be can be a life changing moment, and for teaching me the importance of lifting up my chin, to face the world. I truly hated to part ways with you...

So.. this was how it all begain.

It was definitly a humble and eye opening experience to be able to work with Singapore's famous director cum choreographer in the dance industry. Many waited years for this chance, but I was utterly honored to be able to work under him, despite knowing my standards. Shamelessly I went for his audition because he was looking for a handful of lead dancers.

When the audition begin, I could feel that I wasn't the kind of dancer he was looking for, and he didn't seem to be fond by my dance abilities. Indeed the results didn't state otherwise because I wasn't the few chosen as the lead. Maybe I haven't had the chance to show him my emotions, or maybe we just can't click, but the one thing I knew, was that I was devastated.

People told me that elimination is part and parcel of life, especially as a dancer. But it hurts... It hurts to the extend that I don't even want to be in his production, and it came to a point where doubting my abilities became a norm, so I begain to wonder if it's better for me to give up this rare opportunity.

After weeks of tears, I told myself that things will still be the same if I'm not going to do anything about it, and to him it will only be the right choice for not picking me. So I stood up and gave in 150% of my effort and skills in every of his dance practices. Just to prove him wrong for not picking me. No doubt life is full of shit and only fairytale shows miracles.

Things did not change for the better. Instead I was even placed at positions where only me, myself and I can see. If you don't get me, I'm always at the position either behind someone or at the corner of the stage. I convinced myself to accept it and deal with it, since I have came so far.
Dance practice became a chore to attend to and the period was fucking shag.

Dance schedules became even more hetic and unreasonable as he requested for more hours when the production date nears. It was 2pm-10pm, literally EVERYDAY. As dancers we were also expected to skip lectures and tutorials just to attend those practices. Obviously I can't see myself skipping lessons just to be placed at the end of the stage. Moreover exams and tests were around the corner, thus I prioritized studies than the useless production that I'm in.

No doubt I missed half of the curtain call and I wasn't given any position at all. Curtain call may seem nothing much, but to every dancer curtain call is something really important in a production or at least it's something I feel really important. So since I know that I won't have the chance to bow to my audience, what's more left for me to stay in the production yeah?

Enough of the background, let's continue with the story.

It was a fine Saturday when I woke up in anxiety, rushed through washing up, and hopped onto dad's car as he drove me to school. Along the way, I wished that time would show some mercy, but honestly, time waits for no man. It wasn't any ordinary dance practice, but instead a mass one. As i pushed open the door, everyone stared at me silently. I was embarrassed. I briskly walked into the hall and got ready to join the team. Little did I know, I was called out to the front, and was told to hold in a plank position. I was shocked, but i did it anyways knowing that I was at fault for not being responsible for punctuality.

The rest of the dancers begain their mass warm up as I remained in plank. I remember holding there for a good 3 minutes, thinking if I should really quit the production and the reasons for me to stay. After organizing my thoughts, I picked up my confidence and walked towards him.
"I wished to drop out of the production." As I spoke in a firmed and determined manner.
He looked at me and told me to be his guest, if my teachers allowed. I picked up my bag and walked out of the dance hall, to speak to my teachers. After hearing my side of the story, my teacher agreed with my decisions and we parted ways.

As I thought that things will be back to normal after the production, I receive a message a few days later,
"Ryann, because you dropped out of the musical at the very last minute with reasons that are ridiculous and close-minded, we have decided to remove you from Danz Inc. This is not the kind of attitude that we expect and want from our dancers. However, if you really want to stay in Danz Inc., and is willing to change your attitude and behaviour, you must give a good explanation to nic and us for your irresponsible behaviour and actions."
Well things started to get a little tensed here. I called up my instructor, egear to know the main reason behind why he decided to kick me out of the club. Indeed, it was a misunderstanding. Not sure if it was the committee or he didn't get his facts right, I was deeply misunderstood for my actions. Gladly after clearing the air, I was told to be back into the club. And so things started to get back to its original state.

A few weeks have past and I start to realize a huge difference from how my instructor usually treats me. I mean he used to push my spilts, stares at me until I get my position right but, he never does that ever again. He never looked at me when I perform anymore and I felt really sad at the point of time.

Then it was time where they decide on the new batch of committee members, I guess because if this black mark, I wasn't given any role in the club. I mean yes, I know that backing out a production is my fault, but since you wanted me back into the club, why do you have to bring forward an outside matter, upon apologizing that it was a misunderstanding towards me? Well to be honest, I was really upset I wasn't given any role, like I mean, even the most slightest role in the club would actually mean something to me.

Yeah, I started to leave myself out of the closest group of friends I had in dance because all of them had a position, and it's not any other 'Sai Gang' job, but they picked up really important roles to the club. Well, to be honest, I felt really shameful and inferior being with them. So I decided to hang out alone, and basically be anti-social.

One day in dance practice I was undisputedly hurt by the statements made by my instructor.
While we were told to show him a part of the dance we just learn 10 minutes ago, he yelled my name after the showcase and said in front of everyone "Actually Ryann I rather watch someone else dance than you. Although you have the techniques, it is nothing compared to having performance quality."
But in fact, I was purely memorizing my steps, that's why I wasn't focusing on my expressions. Although I knew he misunderstood me again, I didn't want to fight back because I respected him, and i knew that it was true that my expression wasn't stage-ready. It was already bad enough, until he indirected this to me "I feel that some people no longer have their heart here in the club. Shouldnt the club be a place where dance makes you happy?"

Well after all these words, I sat down to ask myself if I should really stay in the club to be mocked at, and ultimately I realized, this is not the club I'm looking for. Yes I'm definitely thankful for all the experiences, advices but I guess we aren't fated for this relationship.

And this was when I decided that it's time for me to say goodbye, and find somewhere more suitable.

Maybe, just maybe....

It's another ordinary saturday. Or... maybe its one that we decided to start the conversation on. I didnt wanted it to make it seem as though i'm trying to sour the relationship or make it a tough position for you. Instead, I just wanted to voice out my thoughts...

Its hearten to know that someone cares whenever i'm down, but you never understood my point of view. To you, i'm just a selfish, self centered person that cares only for myself. Sometimes i wonder why do you even bother asking if i'm okay? Maybe it all lies back to the living environment i grew up in. Being the youngest in the family, siblings love, parents love, pemperings like a princess have always been a norm. To the extend i guess it has changed me into a whole new person.

I didnt only realise this recently, but everytime when i'm out with my friends, the very first thing they think of are their siblings. Whether they like it, or if the item suits them. But... on the other hand, i'm always the one looking for things that i like, and consistantly thinking about myself.

I've tried to change, telling myself to prioritize you than anything else, but things just never turn out the way it's planned to be. In turn i get comments like
"why cant you think more about your family?"
"why cant you be like her to love your siblings more?"
"why cant you be like her to be a responsible child?"
And this was where emotions start to kick in.

Recently, someone important to my brother came into our life, dont get me wrong, she's really a nice person, but things started to seem a little different. I'm no longer the center of attention in family days, the amount of love i feel from you and everyone else is so much lesser. So i start to question myself, and came to realise that ultimately, these love that i used to have are shared with someone even more special than i am... Whenever i try to hint about my feelings, i dont get the genuine care i used to have, but instead, a scold for ruining a "happy" family day out. And even if i successfully voice out my thoughts, you try to talk your way through to make it seem as though things have never change. In fact, have you ever stand in my point of view?
Yes i know that its important to make someone feel welcomed and loved in a new environment, a new family. But dont you think you are doing a little too much? To the extend you negleted your little girl?

I guess its where words are vague, that you didnt really get my point. But i really want you to know things have changed so much. There's really nothing i can do to show you how much i miss the warmth, care and love i used to have, because all you care about, is whether she felt welcomed in this family. 

Love,
Ryann