Few days back, I came across an article to the dancer that walked away... while reading it, tears unknowingly rolled down my checks, and I couldn't believe how relatable the post could be. Which leads me to think back on how it even triggered me to leave something that was so close to me.
It wasn't an easy decision, neither was it a proud experience. Never in my life would I think of having to leave you, but I believe it's all destined. Dear dance, thank you for the amazing memories, for showing me how 10 minutes can be can be a life changing moment, and for teaching me the importance of lifting up my chin, to face the world. I truly hated to part ways with you...
So.. this was how it all begain.
It was definitly a humble and eye opening experience to be able to work with Singapore's famous director cum choreographer in the dance industry. Many waited years for this chance, but I was utterly honored to be able to work under him, despite knowing my standards. Shamelessly I went for his audition because he was looking for a handful of lead dancers.
When the audition begin, I could feel that I wasn't the kind of dancer he was looking for, and he didn't seem to be fond by my dance abilities. Indeed the results didn't state otherwise because I wasn't the few chosen as the lead. Maybe I haven't had the chance to show him my emotions, or maybe we just can't click, but the one thing I knew, was that I was devastated.
People told me that elimination is part and parcel of life, especially as a dancer. But it hurts... It hurts to the extend that I don't even want to be in his production, and it came to a point where doubting my abilities became a norm, so I begain to wonder if it's better for me to give up this rare opportunity.
After weeks of tears, I told myself that things will still be the same if I'm not going to do anything about it, and to him it will only be the right choice for not picking me. So I stood up and gave in 150% of my effort and skills in every of his dance practices. Just to prove him wrong for not picking me. No doubt life is full of shit and only fairytale shows miracles.
Things did not change for the better. Instead I was even placed at positions where only me, myself and I can see. If you don't get me, I'm always at the position either behind someone or at the corner of the stage. I convinced myself to accept it and deal with it, since I have came so far.
Dance practice became a chore to attend to and the period was fucking shag.
Dance schedules became even more hetic and unreasonable as he requested for more hours when the production date nears. It was 2pm-10pm, literally EVERYDAY. As dancers we were also expected to skip lectures and tutorials just to attend those practices. Obviously I can't see myself skipping lessons just to be placed at the end of the stage. Moreover exams and tests were around the corner, thus I prioritized studies than the useless production that I'm in.
No doubt I missed half of the curtain call and I wasn't given any position at all. Curtain call may seem nothing much, but to every dancer curtain call is something really important in a production or at least it's something I feel really important. So since I know that I won't have the chance to bow to my audience, what's more left for me to stay in the production yeah?
Enough of the background, let's continue with the story.
It was a fine Saturday when I woke up in anxiety, rushed through washing up, and hopped onto dad's car as he drove me to school. Along the way, I wished that time would show some mercy, but honestly, time waits for no man. It wasn't any ordinary dance practice, but instead a mass one. As i pushed open the door, everyone stared at me silently. I was embarrassed. I briskly walked into the hall and got ready to join the team. Little did I know, I was called out to the front, and was told to hold in a plank position. I was shocked, but i did it anyways knowing that I was at fault for not being responsible for punctuality.
The rest of the dancers begain their mass warm up as I remained in plank. I remember holding there for a good 3 minutes, thinking if I should really quit the production and the reasons for me to stay. After organizing my thoughts, I picked up my confidence and walked towards him.
"I wished to drop out of the production." As I spoke in a firmed and determined manner.
He looked at me and told me to be his guest, if my teachers allowed. I picked up my bag and walked out of the dance hall, to speak to my teachers. After hearing my side of the story, my teacher agreed with my decisions and we parted ways.
As I thought that things will be back to normal after the production, I receive a message a few days later,
"Ryann, because you dropped out of the musical at the very last minute with reasons that are ridiculous and close-minded, we have decided to remove you from Danz Inc. This is not the kind of attitude that we expect and want from our dancers. However, if you really want to stay in Danz Inc., and is willing to change your attitude and behaviour, you must give a good explanation to nic and us for your irresponsible behaviour and actions."
Well things started to get a little tensed here. I called up my instructor, egear to know the main reason behind why he decided to kick me out of the club. Indeed, it was a misunderstanding. Not sure if it was the committee or he didn't get his facts right, I was deeply misunderstood for my actions. Gladly after clearing the air, I was told to be back into the club. And so things started to get back to its original state.
A few weeks have past and I start to realize a huge difference from how my instructor usually treats me. I mean he used to push my spilts, stares at me until I get my position right but, he never does that ever again. He never looked at me when I perform anymore and I felt really sad at the point of time.
Then it was time where they decide on the new batch of committee members, I guess because if this black mark, I wasn't given any role in the club. I mean yes, I know that backing out a production is my fault, but since you wanted me back into the club, why do you have to bring forward an outside matter, upon apologizing that it was a misunderstanding towards me? Well to be honest, I was really upset I wasn't given any role, like I mean, even the most slightest role in the club would actually mean something to me.
Yeah, I started to leave myself out of the closest group of friends I had in dance because all of them had a position, and it's not any other 'Sai Gang' job, but they picked up really important roles to the club. Well, to be honest, I felt really shameful and inferior being with them. So I decided to hang out alone, and basically be anti-social.
One day in dance practice I was undisputedly hurt by the statements made by my instructor.
While we were told to show him a part of the dance we just learn 10 minutes ago, he yelled my name after the showcase and said in front of everyone "Actually Ryann I rather watch someone else dance than you. Although you have the techniques, it is nothing compared to having performance quality."
But in fact, I was purely memorizing my steps, that's why I wasn't focusing on my expressions. Although I knew he misunderstood me again, I didn't want to fight back because I respected him, and i knew that it was true that my expression wasn't stage-ready. It was already bad enough, until he indirected this to me "I feel that some people no longer have their heart here in the club. Shouldnt the club be a place where dance makes you happy?"
Well after all these words, I sat down to ask myself if I should really stay in the club to be mocked at, and ultimately I realized, this is not the club I'm looking for. Yes I'm definitely thankful for all the experiences, advices but I guess we aren't fated for this relationship.
And this was when I decided that it's time for me to say goodbye, and find somewhere more suitable.
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